What are you afraid of?

Confession time - I am a chronic overachiever.  I find peace in getting things done, in my accomplishments, in being among the best.  As such,  I am drawn to the activities in life in which I excel and these often come easy.  

Contrary to my nature, I am drawn to running. It is a challenge and somehow one that I welcome.  Maybe it is because the accomplishment doesn’t come easy so the win is deeper and more satisfying. To be able to finish what I start even though it was difficult and being able to savor that satisfaction.  Despite the feeling I enjoy at the end of run, it is scary to do something that is hard for me.  Each time I lace up no matter the distance, 3 miles or 30, there is a fear in my soul that I have to overcome.  Sometimes big, sometimes small, I always worry if I can do it.  Will this next run be an accomplishment?

In almost every part of my life, I can be confident in who and what I am.  Unfortunately, there are two areas that I struggle with self-acceptance.  My physical appearance and my running ability and these are inextricably linked.  A downward spiral for either causes the other to be sucked into the same black hole.

So, what am I afraid of?  

I am afraid of what people will think and how ugly I look when I run.

Will they look down on me because I am towards the back of the back?  Will they look at me and think, why isn’t she faster or a better runner?  What about my friends who are faster than me?  Will they still want to be my friends when all is said and done?  What if my non-running friends and family wonder about how I can even call myself a trail runner when it involves so much hiking as well?  How will they compare my times to times of other runners they know and will they think less of me?  Am I truly a runner or a trail runner or an ultra runner if I am slow?  What will the volunteers at the aid stations and finish line think of me?  How can I be slower than that runner who is twice my size?  If I was thinner would I be faster? Will people feel sorry for me and wonder why I am even bothering?  

I finished last in a race once.  I was so embarrassed that everyone had to wait around for me.  To this day, even though the run was beautiful and actually felt pretty good, I look back at it and am not proud of any of it.  Yes there were only 11 runners so even though in a big race, I would have probably been middle of the pack, in this race, I was at least 20 minutes behind the 10th runner.  I can still feel the sickness in my stomach about finishing last in that race.

I proudly celebrate the accomplishments of my friends no matter how big or small.  I celebrate others who finish last because they had the courage to start and to keep going no matter the odds.  Why can’t I treat myself with the same amount of love.

I share this because I know that admitting to it is the first step in finding peace.  With a lot of hard work, I have been able to overcome other insecurities in my life and in time, I believe I can let go of these as well.  Running keeps drawing me in for a reason and I believe that reason is to heal me in ways that I have been able to do otherwise.