Running Scared
This morning I was in Tucson for work. I deliberately stayed the night before so I could get in my run before work. I had it all planned out. I would stay in a hotel right next to the Rillito River Bike Path giving me a good location to run and not get lost. Problem was that as I checked into my hotel, I realized come morning, it would be pitch black while I was running.
I was smart enough to pack a headlamp, but I would be running alone. Alone in the dark, along a bike path, where there are no people, in a town I don't know. I ended up waking up several time throughout the night wondering if I should play it safe or if I was being overly cautious.
Now as a female, we often hear the horror stories about how every man out there is going to pick us off and rape and torture us. While I know this happens, it is rare and I believe that the vast majority of men are good and decent people. To alter my life based on a pretty small statistic felt like a pretty cowardly thing to do. What was a girl to do?
Before I continue with my ultimate decision, I need to take you back. For years, I have struggled with major depression. If you are unfamiliar with how this can impact a person's life, depression is a voice that lives in your head and heart convincing you that it's in your best interest to hide under a blanket of excuses. Excuses why you aren't good enough, excuses why it's wiser to do nothing than to try and fail, why nobody loves you, why nothing is worth the effort. And the list goes on. My depression wants me to stay in bed.
What a perfect excuse! Nobody would blame me for putting my safety first and staying bed. Certainly it is the wiser choice. But I knew that it wasn't the right choice. Not for me. Not if I want to starve my depression. Staying in bed and making excuses would be like throwing my depression a party with the best cake and ice cream in the world.
When my alarm went off at 4:45 a, I had a moment where I gave in, where I was defeated. And somehow, I stopped thinking about the run, stopped thinking about the fear, and only thought about putting my feet on the ground. One foot and then the other. This is what trail running has taught me. Break down the goal, don't think about the whole task. Start by putting my socks on one at a time.
I was smart enough to pack a headlamp, but I would be running alone. Alone in the dark, along a bike path, where there are no people, in a town I don't know. I ended up waking up several time throughout the night wondering if I should play it safe or if I was being overly cautious.
Now as a female, we often hear the horror stories about how every man out there is going to pick us off and rape and torture us. While I know this happens, it is rare and I believe that the vast majority of men are good and decent people. To alter my life based on a pretty small statistic felt like a pretty cowardly thing to do. What was a girl to do?
Before I continue with my ultimate decision, I need to take you back. For years, I have struggled with major depression. If you are unfamiliar with how this can impact a person's life, depression is a voice that lives in your head and heart convincing you that it's in your best interest to hide under a blanket of excuses. Excuses why you aren't good enough, excuses why it's wiser to do nothing than to try and fail, why nobody loves you, why nothing is worth the effort. And the list goes on. My depression wants me to stay in bed.
What a perfect excuse! Nobody would blame me for putting my safety first and staying bed. Certainly it is the wiser choice. But I knew that it wasn't the right choice. Not for me. Not if I want to starve my depression. Staying in bed and making excuses would be like throwing my depression a party with the best cake and ice cream in the world.
When my alarm went off at 4:45 a, I had a moment where I gave in, where I was defeated. And somehow, I stopped thinking about the run, stopped thinking about the fear, and only thought about putting my feet on the ground. One foot and then the other. This is what trail running has taught me. Break down the goal, don't think about the whole task. Start by putting my socks on one at a time.
Ultimately, I made it out the door, had an invigorating run. For today at least, I won. Tomorrow will be another day, another battle, but with each win, the next battle is just a tiny bit easier.
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